I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
