i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
