if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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