we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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