it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
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