This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
