the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
