Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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