Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize