Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
