Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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