Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
