had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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