Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the day after is always just damage control
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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