I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
