im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
