my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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