I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
