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Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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