hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
