You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
