I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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