I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
