I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
