We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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