Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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