So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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