she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My dad is sitting where you rode me
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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