Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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