then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
