So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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