I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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