i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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