I accidentally had phone sex last night
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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