whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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