you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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