WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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