My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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