I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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