WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
