I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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