it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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