he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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