I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
