He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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