mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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