I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
