Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You are the jesus of drinking
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
