Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I can text with my tongue
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
