he puts the penis in happiness.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
