Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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