i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
