I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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