3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
