I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
