Midget sex pt 2 tonight
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
COCAINE IS GR8
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
