Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
