Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
sarcasm needs its own font
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
