Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
whose ass print is on the piano?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
