my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He has the fingertips of a God
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
