I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
