She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
